Well it’s Thanksgiving Day. And Moe and I got the wishbone.
I asked Moe what would he wish for if he could get whatever he wanted but no matter what he wished, his beautiful wife would get double. He said…
“I’d wish for a million dollars and to get beaten half to death.”
Copyright © (2009) Diane
Posted in Conversations | Tagged Million Dollars, Thanksgiving Day, Wish, Wishbone | Leave a Comment »
A while back, Moe was hospitalized. I’d heard his condition was “grim” so I paid him a visit. To get in to see him I told the staff I was his daughter. (I didn’t think telling them, “I am his neighbor.” would bear any weight.) In any case, I got to see him.
I smiled at Moe upon entering his room. He was in a sullen state of mind (so unlike Moe) and he refused to acknowledge my presence. I said not a word, opened my bag and retrieved my computer. I put my laptop on a table beside his bed and played a video. I sat on a chair in the far-side of the room and waited. Within two minutes time, I saw Moe burst into laughter. He shifted his body to get a clearer view of the screen. He was mesmerized by its images and sounds.
When the short video was complete, Moe asked me to play it again. We sat there – the two of us – all alone in his room, laughing and talking and watching the screen for what seemed like hours but it was only a few minutes.
We made so much noise, several nurses and a doctor rushed inside to see what was happening. They found me dancing and Moe sitting up in his bed cheering me on. He was back to his old self and the hospital staff was astounded (or they may have been mad – their reaction wasn’t easy to discern). A couple of days later, Moe returned home.
Moe says he will be forever grateful for my visit because unlike everyone else, I did not sit beside his bed and cry. Instead, I came armed with joy. (Moe didn’t say “joy”. He said, “You came in there with the damnedest shit.”)
They say laughter is the best medicine. And I know how to make Moe laugh. If you want to see the video that caused so much commotion in the hospital that day, just play the one below.
I know you will enjoy it. It is good medicine.
Update: Moe is up and around under his own steam and he has a new job (but that’s another story).
Copyright © (2009) Diane
Posted in Medicine | Tagged Commotion, Dancing, Doctors, Hospital, Laptop, Medicine, Nurses, Staff, Video | Leave a Comment »
When I heard Nezzie banging pots and pans in her kitchen, I knew there was trouble in paradise. I asked Moe what happened and he told me…
“Nezzie’s not speakin’ to me. She’s been mad since last night. Before she ‘clammed up’ on me she said…
Moses, apologize right now and I’ll forgive your foolishness. I don’t want to go to bed angry.”
I asked Moe what did he do to upset her. And he told me…
“She’s going to Arizona and she asked me if I’ll miss her. I said, ‘If I miss you, I’ll reload and try again.”
I suggested he apologize.
Copyright © (2009) Diane
Posted in Conversations | Tagged Pots, Pans, Paradise, Apology, Arizona, Reload | Leave a Comment »
About Death…
I’ll give it to you in a nutshell.
I don’t wanna be buried.
I don’t wanna be cremated.
I don’t wanna be frozen.
I don’t wanna die!
About the economy…
I hear folks saying we’re in a ‘down’ economy.
The economy is not bad – not bad at all.
There will always be people out-of-work. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad economy.
There will always be folks without a place to live. That’s still not the sign of a bad economy.
When the economy is bad, and I mean ‘really really’ bad, the food supplies becomes so scarce, rats sit in the window and cry.
That’s a sure sign of a bad economy.
About the property tax…
I’ll tell you one thing…the man sure knows how to stick it to you.
I own my home – paid for it years ago. So if I no longer pay a mortgage on that pile of bricks standing over there, why am I having to pay tax for something I bought before the taxman was born? It’s like having to continually pay tax for that pack of cigarettes I bought in 1959. You don’t keep taxing me if I own it!
About the west coast’s obsession with beauty over brains…
If you throw a rock into a group of forty people in California it wont land on anybody with gray hair. If you throw that same rock anywhere else in this country, the gray hairs will examine it and analyze you for throwin’ it.
About entrepreneurs…
You can call it whatever you want. But everybody who wants to go into business should do it in California. Those folks don’t spend money on smart. They spend money on pretty. If you tell ‘em they’ll lose weight with your product, they’ll look pretty with your product or better yet, they’ll look ten years younger, you’ll make a million dollars in a year. That ‘ten years younger’ line gets ‘em every time. Stick those three words on your label – no matter what you’re selling, and those folks will throw their money at you.
What? You don’t believe me?
Put some jelly in a jar, stick Ten Years Younger on the label, sit back and wait.
Call me in a year.
Copyright © (2009) Diane
Posted in Conversations | Tagged Death, Economy, Entrepreneur, Mortgage, Property Tax, Ten Years Younger | Leave a Comment »
I asked Moe what was the most important historical event that occurred in his life. I was half expecting him to say it was the moon landing, the Montgomery Bus Boycott or the election of the first black president in the U.S. Instead, he said, “George Foreman.”
I said to him, that man is important to you?
Moe replied, “No. But his grill is the best invention ever made!”
Copyright © (2009) Diane
Posted in Conversations | Tagged Bus Boycott, Gerorge Foreman, Grill, History, Invention, Moon Walk, President | Leave a Comment »
Moe’s eldest son ‘Moose’ told me this story…
“I called my brother’s number and a child answered the phone. I assumed it was one of my brother’s kids and asked the child where was her father? The kid said…
“Daddy is not here but mommy is upstairs with Uncle Willie.”
I was confused by that and told the child..
“You don’t have an Uncle Willie!”
The kid answered…
“I do have an Uncle Willie and he always plays with mommy when everybody is gone”.
I screamed into the phone and told the child to tell her mother Uncle Moose said come to the phone. While I was waiting for the mother to pick up the phone, I saw that I had dialed the wrong number. I was so embarrassed, I hung up.”
He continued…
“Now-a-days, I don’t call my brother but I have been dialing my own phone number ever since.”
Copyright © (2009) Diane
Posted in Conversations | Tagged Call, Dial, Infidelity, Phone, Phone Number, Telephone, Uncles, Wrong Number | Leave a Comment »
Nezzie told me a wedding story.
She began…
“A few years ago, somebody in Moe’s family got married. And Moe was in the bridal party. The reception was held in the basement of the church where the wedding took place. A dais had been constructed that ran across the front of the basement. It was where the wedding party sat and it was covered in white satin and decorated with flowers. Along one of the walls near the back of the basement, there was a buffet table. And people were mingling and munching. Moe wasn’t with me. He sat on the dais with the wedding party. There was a small round stage in the front of the basement just to the side of the dais. And a band was up there playing. A couple of booths with red leather seats were situated near the back door and since I didn’t know anybody at the reception besides Moe, I climbed into one of the booths and waited for this to be over.”
“It wasn’t long before a woman came through that back door. I was the only person back there. The woman never even noticed me ‘cause she kept her eyes focused straight ahead. I noticed her though. She was wearing a jogging suit and gym shoes. And I thought, “That is a very strange outfit to wear to a wedding.” When that woman walked past me, I wondered, “Does anybody else see this?” People were still mingling and eating and nobody seemed to notice that woman but me.”
“The band had stopped playing and the woman walked very slowly through the crowd toward that little stage. Even then, nobody noticed her. I knew something was about to happen. And whatever it was it wasn’t going to be pretty. So I climbed out of the booth where I was sitting and next to the back door is where I stood waiting. I didn’t have to wait long.”
“That woman stepped onto the stage and picked up the microphone. I still don’t think anybody was paying attention to her. She turned toward the groom. He was still seated at the dais with the wedding party. That woman sang to him…“It should have been me. It should have been me. The motherrr of your babeee.” Well… if nobody noticed her before, they definitely noticed her now. At that very moment, the mother of the bride went berserk. She let out a blood curdling scream and jumped at least three feet off that dais. The bridesmaids followed her. A fracas had commenced.”
“This was unbelievable! Trust me when I tell you it was way, way beyond belief! I had no idea a fight could break out at a wedding. I’d never heard of such a thing. I was still in the back of the room but I could hear everything that was happening because the microphone had fallen onto the floor and it was still on. “Get that witch!” shouted the mother of the bride. “Kick her butt!” screamed somebody else. “Damn it!” “Hold her!” “Hold Her!” At this point, it seemed to me that everybody was in the mix. I think the whole room full of people was fighting – including the caterer and the band. Food went flying everywhere – I’m talkin’ about whole trays full of food. And that big ol’ cake was completely destroyed. The size of the fight had increased as well as the sound of the fight. And the fighters were fanning outward.”
“I managed to get that back door opened just when it seemed that the scuffle was making its way toward my direction. I could still hear the grunts and the cussing when I sneaked out of the basement through that back door. I made my way through the parking lot of that church. And I had walked several blocks before I found a bus stop. I got on a bus and went home.”
“Later that evening, Moe told me he had tried to find me in the crowd but due to all of the turmoil, he wasn’t able to locate me. He said eventually he assumed I had already left. After that, Moe never asked me to go to another wedding.”
Copyright © (2009) Diane
Posted in Wedding | Tagged brawl, Church, fight, food, fracas, Marriage, party, reception, Univited Guest, Wedding, Wedding Band | Leave a Comment »
I was shopping with Moe and his wife, Nezzie, while she looked for a dress to wear at their grandson’s wedding. She came out from the dressing room draped in a lovely peach colored frock. Then, she walked over to a mirror and said…
“It looks like I’ve gained a lot of weight. Moe, what do you think?”
Then, Moe said….
“You have perfect vision!”
Needless to say, the remainder of that shopping experience was quite uncomfortable.
Copyright © (2009) Diane
Posted in Store | Tagged Dress, Fat, Shopping, Vision, Wedding | Leave a Comment »
Moe received a new phone. It’s a mobile unit. As one would expect, he had no idea how to use it. So I was enlisted to walk him through it. There are so many features and functions on his phone, Moe was baffled by my explanations and demonstrations. I’d say…
“Moe this is a camera.”
“Why would anybody put a camera in a telephone?” He’d ask.
After a lengthy exchange about the thinking behind cell phone cameras, I decided to not burden Moe with further demonstrations which would include videos, e-mail and text messages. I simply showed him how to turn his phone on and off and most importantly how to make and to receive calls. For speed and simplicity, I programmed crucial phone numbers (family and emergency) into ’speed dial’ and Moe and I practiced sending and receiving calls. Convinced that Moe understood the pertinent features of his new phone, I left him to it. And to test him, as I walked across the street toward my house, I phoned Moe and he answered. I ended that call with both satisfaction and pride.
It was later that evening, my house was quiet and I was puttering around my kitchen when my phone rang. I answered it. And this is what I heard…
“Is that the number to 911?”
“No. That isn’t it. 911 is zero Moe.”
I was listening to and exchange between Moe and his wife, Nezzie, and it was apparent to me they had no idea I was on the phone.
I yelled to Moe through my phone and I heard this…
“Did you hear something Nezzie?”
“No, you crazy old fool. I didn’t hear nothing.”
“What’s that number for 911?”
“911 is zero. Just punch zero Moses!”
“I don’t see a zero. They didn’t put that on this phone.”
At this point, I yelled into the phone again. I began to worry. I was thinking there was an issue of grave emergency at hand and they were attempting a call for help. I yelled once more and I rushed over to Moe’s house.
As I hurried out of my door, I listened to this…
“I hear somebody Nezzie. Did you hear that?”
“Well, what does it sound like? ‘Cause I can’t hear nothing Moses.”
“Shoot Nezzie. I don’t know what that is but I keep hearing it.”
“Did you dial 911 like I told you?”
“No. I couldn’t get through. What that’s number again?”
“What number are you talking about Moses?”
By now I was banging on their door.
Nezzie opened the door and she looked at me in surprise. Moe was yelling, “Who is it?” from another room. I asked Nezzie if everything was okay? She said yes. I asked if I could come in and see Moe. I followed Nezzie into her kitchen where Moe was sitting. He also seemed surprised to see me. I asked him if he was okay and if they needed any help. They assured me everything was fine. They asked me why was I asking so many questions and Moe wanted to know…
“Why are you out and about in your bed clothes at this time of night?”
I asked Moe what was he doing with his phone? He told me he was trying to teach Nezzie how to use it but he couldn’t do that because the phone was broken.
I reached for the phone and Moe gave it to me. I saw it was in good condition and explained to them that while they were attempting to dial 911, they called me instead. I also told them it was my voice Moe heard on the phone. He said…
“Oh my God! You’re 911?!”
Copyright © (2009) Diane
Posted in Parents | Tagged 911, Cell Phone, Telephone, Zero | Leave a Comment »
