WHO DUN IT?

Moe came over yesterday and gave me a bottle of water. It was a gallon jug of water. I didn’t say anything. I simply took the bottle and placed it on the floor of my front hall. Moe told me, “Don’t put that water on the floor! Put it in the basement and stock up.” He said…

“Obama keeps going to the gulf and fussing about oil leaks. Did it ever occur to him to look at Detroit instead of Louisiana? Get him on the phone!” I told Moe I wasn’t calling the White House and I didn’t know how to do that if I wanted to. He insisted that I call the president because as he puts it, “The problem isn’t BP. It’s Detroit. And nobody’s lookin’ at Detroit.” I told Moe to calm down. (It was obvious he had been watching TV again and the news had gotten to him.) He said, “I am calm. Damn it! Don’t you see what’s happening?” I told Moe I don’t see anything and I also told him he should learn how to change the channel on his television. (He’s been watching CNN for two years.)

Moe walked past me and stood in the kitchen. He said to me, “Listen. What does Detroit have that nobody else has?” I didn’t want to play guessing games so I told Moe to get to the point. He said…

“Detroit has a ‘shitload’ of electric cars. They call ‘em Volts. I told Moe I didn’t know that. He said, “Hush!” Moe continued…”The Detroit auto companies thought everyone would run out and buy their new electric cars especially since Toyota was on the ‘outs’ with car-buyers.” (I wanted to interject but I kept still and listened.) “But, instead of the public buying electric cars from Detroit, everybody bought gas guzzlin’ SUV’s and family vans ’cause soccer moms can’t fit all of those kids in a compact car.” I could sense the urgency in his voice when I asked Moe what does this have to do with oil in the gulf? He told me…

“Don’t you see! If you want to get people to buy your car, you have to make them not want theirs. So what do you do? You blow up an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. Oil gushes everywhere and the public is pissed. Then, you quietly roll out your electric car and tell everybody they don’t need oil. Are you following me now?” I was following Moe but this was the wildest comment I’d heard from him and I’ve heard some doozies. I told Moe his story didn’t hold water and he said…

“It’s about water too.” I said, “What!” Moe told me to listen and don’t talk. So now I vowed to listen. Moe continued…

“The car companies got in bed with the bottled water companies and they got in bed with environmentalists – you know those save-the-Earth kind of people.” I nodded. Moe continued…

“What does the bottled water companies want? They want you to buy their water. How do they get you to do that? They contaminate your water supply. That’s right! You should have it figured out by now. They contaminate it with oil. And we both know how to get oil in the water.”

This is where I got up from the chair on which I was sitting and walked across the floor to close my kitchen windows. This was a conspiracy theory of gigantic proportion – even for Moe – and my paranoia was kicking in. I told Moe…

“Don’t tell me anymore. The news is making you drive yourself crazy and you’re taking me along for the ride.” Moe told me…

“Water is going to be a valuable commodity.” I told Moe it’s a valuable commodity now. Moe shushed me and said…”Clean drinking water is going to be scarce. Folks are going to start collecting rain water – for both drinking and bathing. Before you do that, stock up on bottled water. Start with the one I just gave you and don’t tell anyone you have water ’cause they’ll tear this place apart to get at it.”

At this point, I’d had enough of Moe and his theories. I told him it was time to go. He said, “You’d better heed my warnings and pay attention.” I told Moe, his imagination had gotten the best of him and me too. I also told him to stop watching TV.

As he was leaving, Moe turned to me and asked, “If I wanted to sell you a rain barrel, would you buy one?”

Copyright © (2010) Diana (Diane) Maria